The anxiety and the ecstasy of sex
Intimate emotional sharing, sexual passion, lovemaking itself, has always been the purest and most transcendent expression of love for us. In the naked simplicity of sexuality we encounter each other’s essence most directly and profoundly. But the powerful force field of love also brings everything to the surface: Old hurts, deeply buried wounds and primitive anxieties also arise in the midst of love’s cleansing power.
This happens to every couple, yet the process is often misunderstood. The doubts, the guilt, the shame and fear disturb the romanticism and seem to threaten the relationship. Yet it is only through this sometimes painful purification process that a couple’s love can reach a higher level of authentic commitment and greater passion. If a couple begins to hide from each other at this point, the journey to intimacy becomes detoured, passion fades and sexual problems may develop.
The sexual dimension of intimacy can be one of the most sublime and pleasurable ways to practice mastering anxiety and experiencing serenity. Sexual problems can be more easily resolved if we accept that anxiety and ecstasy are intertwined. Both anxiety and ecstasy are forms of the "shivers." The greater our ability to master anxiety, the greater the ecstasy we can attain. All too often a sense of shame and an unspoken cultural taboo prevents couples from talking openly with each other during lovemaking. Individuals and couples can benefit by shedding their culturally-programmed notions of what lovemaking "should" be like and approach lovemaking with "beginner’s mind." Each person, each couple, has their own unique style of loving. Pretending that we have no idea about how it "should" be can open up new possibilities. Discovering and co-creating original, spontaneous, playful sexual self-expression can become an ongoing adventure.
Sexual encounter is an I/Thou encounter of the deepest sort. In the intense heat of the sexual crucible, the most profound anxieties will bubble up to the surface. Couples need to be willing at all times to shift gears — to move from pleasure to pain, from play to healing, and back again. Childhood wounds, past traumas, personal insecurities and spiritual anxiety may all be loosened up by our nakedness and our love.
Sexuality is the most entrancing gateway to Sacred Anxiety. Gazing at the face of our beloved we glimpse the invisible face of God. Through the embrace of our beloved we are enveloped by God’s loving presence. Sexual ecstasy takes us to the edge of life and death. The more alive we feel, the closer to death we feel. In the moment of climax we disappear for a moment, experiencing the temporary death of the self. We surrender to each other, and surrender together to a unity that is greater than both of us.
Gradually Christine and I recognized the profound spiritual nature of our connection with each other. Our sexual encounter became a high sacrament — a tangible manifestation of divine love. In this sacred ritual of transcendence we die to our self-image, we die to the world and partake of the eternal and the infinite. It is an unbounded time of mystery, wonder and gratitude. In that moment we glimpse, not the possibility of a heavenly paradise, but the living presence of an earthly one.
© Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety, Robert Gerzon, 1997.
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