Our Two Biggest Relationship Fears
Anxiety and relationships are intimate companions. It is anxiety about being alone that prods us to seek connection with another person, yet our anxiety about becoming too dependent may keep us from the deeper intimacy we yearn for.
Our anxiety regarding love begins with our relationship with our parents and the basic question: "Do you love me for who I really am?" We need recognition in order to feel that we are "somebody." Without it we feel like a "nobody." Yet we also dread becoming enmeshed in suffocating or abusive relationships — our fear of being controlled, defined, overpowered or hurt by other people. This anxiety is often expressed as, "Do I have to give up me to be loved by you?"
Because love and intimacy are the deepest desires of the human heart they create some of our most profound dilemmas. For example, the deeper the connection with another, and the more we allow ourselves to be truly known, the more vulnerable we become to being hurt. And the more important we become to other people, the more painful it is when we cannot meet their expectations. We dread never finding love, and fear giving ourselves completely to love. Ultimately we are just as anxious about being loved as not being loved.Our first and most formative relationship is the powerful emotional connection we have with our parents. By its very nature, it is one that is often fraught with anxiety as well as love, and it is formative in the sense that it influences all our subsequent relationships.
As adults, we first enter into an intimate relationship hoping it will relieve much of the anxiety we feel in our life. We hope to find love, lasting security and unconditional acceptance. Yet the most miserable people I have met have not been those without partners, but people who are entangled in destructive relationships. For although we are quite capable of inflicting unhappiness upon ourselves, it is mild indeed compared to the misery we can experience through the expert assistance of another human being who knows us intimately!
Although I have learned a great deal from counseling couples, my deepest learning has naturally come from my own search for love. Intimate relationships are like pressure cookers. The container of marriage can "cook" or mature us far more quickly than is generally possible on our own. For the daily pressure of intimacy evokes our deepest anxieties and opens us to the healing power of love. Yet the pressure generated can also implode upon one’s individuality or explode into mutual destruction. If a couple unconsciously begins to project their anxiety onto each other, they will soon find themselves thrashing about in a steaming cauldron of rage, confusion and pain.
Our intimate relationships can provide the most intense and valuable paths to personal growth. It is here that we can work through our deepest inner conflicts. Yet our "urge to merge" continually fights with our fusion anxiety; our need for independence vies against our separation anxiety. Not surprisingly, we often get trapped in a "relationship comfort zone." But we can use relationships to cultivate awareness and master anxiety, so that they can become sanctuaries of safety and love in our lives.
© Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety, Robert Gerzon, 1997.
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