Merging the Couple's Path with the Spiritual Journey
Although they are the least frequently recognized, issues of Sacred Anxiety lie at the heart of all intimate relationships. The need for love and acceptance is a spiritual need as much as it is an emotional one. Many couples unconsciously project their existential anxiety onto their mate. They expect the other person to provide a level of unconditional love and security far beyond that which is humanly possible, and as a result they continually feel betrayed. Couples who practice self-awareness in their relationships take responsibility for their own Natural and Sacred Anxiety — and look to their mate as a cherished companion on the path, not as a savior.
In our fragmenting society, many of us now expect the marriage relationship to deliver the sense of security and connection that was previously provided by religion and community. We want our partner to be a secure haven from a competitive, uncaring society and a cold, godless universe. When we place these expectations on someone, they will eventually feel inadequate, anxious and resentful.
By facing our own anxieties openly and honestly on all levels, we can transform intimate relationships from bloody battlefields or sterile stalemates into vibrant arenas for spiritual growth. We can own our Toxic Anxiety and trace it back to our childhood emotional programming. We can face our Natural Anxieties instead of dumping our own job stresses, health worries and personal frustrations onto our partner. We can accept our Sacred Anxiety about life, death and existence and not expect our mate to somehow magically "make us happy." We all need unconditional love. But unconsciously demanding it ready-made from our mate is just another way of avoiding our own intimate encounter with God.
Anxiety owned is easy to listen to with empathy. Anxiety projected is experienced as attack and provokes counterattack. Taking responsibility for our anxieties as they arise in our relationship draws us closer to our partner and reinforces a deep sense of safety, love and acceptance. Paradoxically, when we take responsibility for our own anxiety it vastly increases the possibilities of both giving and receiving unconditional love, or as close to it as humanly possible.
© Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety, Robert Gerzon, 1997.
Find out more about Robert Gerzon’s highly acclaimed book Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety.
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