Getting out of the Toxic Relationship Cycle
Many of us desire love and intimacy but find our way blocked by the fear of getting hurt, the worry of commitment and the dread of abandonment — in short, by anxiety. Behavior patterns that are neither too close to trigger fusion anxiety, nor too distant to trigger separation anxiety form the boundaries of our relationship comfort zone. Because they were determined in our childhood, these boundaries seldom expand without conscious awareness, and they tend to create patterns that can lead to a toxic relationship cycle.
In a toxic relationship cycle, power struggles are endlessly re-enacted without any resolution: Intimacy inevitably begets conflicts and leads to anxiety. In turn, conflict and anxiety lead to arguments, hurt feelings and withdrawal ("the silent treatment" and "being in the doghouse"). While withdrawal might bring momentary relief, eventually it turns into loneliness and isolation, triggering anxiety about abandonment. This separation anxiety leads to new overtures and renewed intimacy. The intimacy relieves the separation anxiety and is followed by a "honeymoon" period as the couple traverses their comfort zone. Before long, however, the increasing closeness triggers fusion anxiety for one or both parties. Conflict ensues, and the cycle repeats once again.
Unless couples become conscious of such patterns and change them, chronic conflict eventually undermines the positive elements of the relationship. Some couples spend a lifetime bickering, nagging and criticizing each other without ever resolving anything. Some couples withdraw permanently, ending the painful conflict by divorcing. Many other couples choose to avoid conflict by retreating from the challenge of marriage into an "arrangement," living separate lives under the same roof.
Many of the conflicts in our relationships are the product of different comfort zone settings. When one person is reaching the boundary of their comfort zone and is already experiencing fusion anxiety, the other person may just be reaching a desirable depth of intimacy. As the first person reverses direction and heads back into their comfort zone, their partner experiences abandonment; their mutual anxiety explodes and accusations fly.
For far too many of us, lack of awareness about the role of anxiety in our intimate relationships dooms us to these kinds of hurtful, repetitive encounters. But if we are willing to face our own anxiety we can transform a comfort zone relationship into a healthy, growing relationship, one characterized by a mutually-reinforcing process of growth. One phase of this positive cycle strengthens the growth of our selfhood, the other phase deepens our sense of couplehood.
The key to changing a static comfort zone relationship into a dynamic, growing relationship lies primarily in how we handle conflict. We can train ourselves to stop in the midst of conflict — or at the least, immediately afterward — and engage in a process of self-awareness. We can do this by asking ourselves, "What triggered this conflict? What am I anxious about? How am I feeling threatened?"
Asking these questions allows us to use our relationship as a path to self-knowledge and deeper serenity. Intimate relationships arouse our deepest anxieties and therefore, when used intelligently, can help us grow personally and spiritually in a most remarkable way.
© Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety, Robert Gerzon, 1997.
Find out more about Robert Gerzon’s highly acclaimed book Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety.
Find out more about Robert Gerzon’s Counseling and Coaching Services.
Read more articles by Robert Gerzon online at:
http://www.gerzon.com
Spread the word
If you enjoyed this article, feel free to copy it and email it to a friend.
Home
| Coaching & Counseling | Speaking
|
Miracle Method
| Lovers Journey | Finding
Serenity
Resources | Articles | Books & Tapes
Bios | Links | Site Map | Contact