"I don't know"
By Robert Gerzon
What are the hardest words to say in any language? "I'm sorry" is certainly near the top, along with "I'm scared" and "You're right." Maybe you can think of a few of your own hard-to-say words.
My current choice for the hardest words to say in any language is: "I don't know." Try saying it to yourself. Then try saying it loud.
"I don't know."
We don't like to admit we don't know the answer. We not only feel we need to know the right answer, we think we should know it right away. When we were in school the focus was always on who could raise their hand the fastest with the right answer. On TV quiz shows it's still the person with the fastest right answer who gains recognition and reward.
Remember what happened in school when the teacher called on you and you didn't know the right answer? It wasn't much fun was it? At best you got ignored, at worst you got humiliated in front of the whole class and teased about it later at recess. "You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"
Because of our cultural conditioning we associate "I don't know" with lots of negative traits such as ignorance, incompetence and indifference. Our earlier conditioning and the fight-or-flight reaction often combine to short circuit the problem-solving process and make us rush to judgment -- to act as if we know when we really don't.
I find it hard to sit very long with not-knowing. Yet I've learned through experience that until my inner knowing is genuine and deep, it is better to bear with the anxiety of not-knowing.
There's a healthy way to say "I don't know" that opens the door to the highest level of creative problem-solving. Saying "I don't know" in an intelligent, involved and caring way simultaneously sweeps away all our prejudices and preconceptions and opens our mind to the full range of possible solutions. Those who know the most about any topic -- whether it's physics or fishing -- are usually the first to admit how little they really know.
As I work with my clients to help them navigate through difficult changes and challenging times, I see over and over again how inner Toxic Voices hamper their progress in life.
My client Ron was facing midlife career issues and health problems and his Toxic Voice was yelling, "You should know what to do! You need to do something!"
Through our work together Ron learned to avoid the twin dangers of denial (a toxic form of not-knowing) and impulsive action (a toxic form of knowing). He began to develop a center of serenity and clarity that allowed him to relax with not-knowing and live each precious day with greater awareness and enjoyment. At that point, he still didn't know "the answer" but he was able to defuse the panic reaction that was just making matters worse. From that new center of serenity Ron was able to see his life in a radically new way -- one that led gradually to intelligent decisions and effective actions.
Within our personal hurricanes lies a still center of calmness and peace. Being able to say "I don't know" allows us to open to a higher spiritual knowing that the Greeks called "gnosis" -- the ancient root from which our word "know" is derived.
Saying "I don't know" in the right way cleanses our mind and relaxes our body. It may occasionally lead to that totally clear, anxiety-free state of awareness which Zen teachers call "beginner's mind."
Try saying "I don't know" today.
As the humorist Will Rogers sagely observed, "It ain't the things we don't know that hurt us. It's the things we know…that ain't so."
Find out more about Robert Gerzon’s highly acclaimed book Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety.
Find out more about Robert Gerzon’s Counseling and Coaching Services.
Read more articles by Robert Gerzon online at:
http://www.gerzon.com
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