Overview of the Lovers Journey
Romance ignites the flame.
Power Struggle turns up the heat (watch out, you may get burned!).
True Love cooks you ’til you’re tender!
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You’re on the Lovers Journey already. It started the day you were born. But where exactly are you on your journey?
Robert and Christine Gerzon have mapped out the path healthy relationships follow — and the many obstacles and detours that can keep us from staying on that path. This groundbreaking model is based on research into interpersonal dynamics and relationship development, coaching other couples and their own relationship experience.
Think of this magical journey of love not as straight line with a beginning and an end, but as a never-ending upward spiral. We go through these passages over and over again at different levels as our love grows and expands. It’s a mythic journey, in essence the same for every human being; yet taking a unique course for each individual. Here’s a brief overview that can help you understand where you are on your Lovers Journey.
I. Romance
It all starts with that first spark that ignites love’s flame. You can’t make it happen if it’s not there, and you can’t stop it from happening if it is there. That’s love’s first lesson — there’s something mysterious happening that’s beyond the ego’s control.
Idealization is the key to romance. We feel we’ve just met the perfect person. We experience passion, acceptance, love. The whole world takes on a rosy glow. We glimpse the spiritual potential for true love. If you’ve experienced this count yourself blessed, some people never allow themselves to surrender to love’s power. Sex is passionate and exciting.
But Disillusionment soon follows. The god or goddess we have found turns out to be human after all. We are disappointed and hurt. We have our first arguments. The other person’s "shadow" side emerges. We see their bad habits and shortcomings. We may start to put up some emotional defenses and hold back a bit sexually.
Here’s love’s first test. Do we deny the shadow and hope the other will change? Do we get scared and abruptly end the relationship? Do we cycle endlessly back and forth between Romance and Disillusionment? Or do we stay aware and discuss these feelings with each other and move forward to deeper authenticity?
In Recognition we see ourselves and each other clearly — both the positive and the negative. Some couples may split up as they realize the relationship was mostly an infatuation or that they have no desire to continue the Journey with each other. Those couples who sense a deep connection with each other at this point experience a rebirth of romance as they feel more deeply loved and accepted for who they are. When this happens, we face the next big step — Commitment.
II. Power Struggle
The crucial central passage of Power Struggle actually begins with renewed hope and optimism. Then we experience both the excitement and the fear of making a Commitment. By now we’ve seen the other person at their worst, but we feel renewed optimism and we believe our love and our commitment will change them for the better.
We may make a commitment to each other by "going steady," moving in together or, traditionally, by getting married. Couples achieve varying degrees of commitment and the fuller the commitment the more energized the relationship becomes.
But we also become much more entangled and anxious. We’ve made a commitment. Now our life depends on this other person being everything we’ve always wanted. And of course they inevitably fall short. A stage of protracted Conflict follows which often shakes the relationship to its foundations. We try to change the other person; they try to change us. We resist being changed; they resist being changed. Sex often becomes a battleground or becomes routine and boring, lacking passion and intimacy.
Conflict is the make-it-or-break-it stage of the whole Lovers Journey. How does this conflict get resolved? Tragically, half of married couples find that unresolved conflicts finally turn the relationship so toxic or drain it so dry that they desperately want out. They divorce and "return to go," often beginning the Journey again with someone else (and sadly more than half of these people end up divorcing again).
Of the couples who stay married, the majority settle into a "Comfort Zone" marriage. They deal with conflict mostly by avoiding it, often dividing their life into "his" and "hers." As one woman put it, "He takes care of the outside. I take care of the inside." These marriages gradually lose steam and lack passion. Eventually they lead separate lives under the same roof — and may even divorce after the children are grown. The better Comfort Zone marriages are society’s "stable marriages" — a mixed bag filled with love, common interests, irritation, disappointment, happy times, resentment, sadness, numbness.
Some couples fail to achieve any real comfort with each other. We’ve all seen the older couple in the restaurant, sitting in sullen silence. Or we’ve overheard the constant bickering and criticism of the long-married couple who are still fighting the same never-resolved fight they had on their honeymoon.
Because our culture for the most part fails to teach young people effective relationship skills or provide accurate models for how relationships grow, only one out of ten couples who begin the Lovers Journey really pass the test of Power Struggle and truly accept each other.
Acceptance is the only way to transform Power Struggle into love. It happens when we admit that we cannot change the other person — we can only change ourselves. We own our own anxieties and fears and stop demanding that the other person "make it all better." We truly accept each other and ourself as a flawed yet wonderful "work in progress." A deeper love is born and romance is renewed once again.
III. True Love
The couples who have summoned the courage, learned the skills and tapped the love to triumph over Power Struggle can now begin to enjoy love’s bountiful harvest. The conditional Commitment of earlier years re-emerges as a sacred Covenant. Commitment marks a voluntary agreement between two independent people; Covenant manifests as an unbreakable spiritual bond between two people who are becoming one in love.
A time of profound spiritual and emotional Healing follows. Trust and intimacy deepen; we feel loved, accepted and safe. Under Love’s penetrating warmth and power, tough old emotional scars now soften and disappear. At times, old power struggles resurface but they yield to love’s healing power much more quickly. Sex becomes everything we always wanted it to be — tender, caring, heartfelt, passionate, wild and free. The spiritual dimension — the soul of Love — merges with the sexual and emotional aspects.
Co-creation is love’s crowning glory. It is love in action, transforming the world. The happy Lovers who have made it this far are now able to co-create a loving atmosphere together that nourishes both of them every day. They radiate this love to their family, friends and through their work. Whether co-creating an ordinary work day, planning a vacation, dealing with a problem or crisis, or developing a life purpose project together, co-creating couples feel Love flowing through them and know that they are already living in Paradise.
Where are you on your Lovers Journey? Where would you like to be?
The Lovers Journey is a never-ending and incredibly challenging voyage. It often feels like "two steps forward, one step backward." Under stress couples can all too quickly regress to earlier stages. Each new level of intimacy reawakens old fears before love is allowed to triumph once more. The Lovers Journey is especially anxiety-producing for couples today in the ever-changing relationship landscape of the 21st century. It’s natural that most couples will feel the need for some outside help at times.
Couples who invest in relationship coaching find it pays tremendous and often surprising dividends. Relationship Coaching can be customized to meet your needs through in-person appointments at the Gerzon’s Concord, MA office or phone sessions, supplemented by mail and email. Robert and Christine offer a free phone consultation so you can find out more about how coaching can help you solve your relationship problems and create the marriage of your dreams.
Please call 978-369-3539 or email the Gerzons to schedule a time.
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